An unexpected spiritual experience
During an Easter service in 1998, God suddenly spoke to me – not through words, but through a cascade of thoughts. I had never experienced anything like it. My life was in crisis, then suddenly, I saw my situation with complete clarity: where I came from and where I need to go.
But I wasn’t spiritual as such and hearing the voice of God caught me off guard. I slipped into psychosis without realising it. I could no longer tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I believed the world was changing, but actually it was me who was changing. And I was no longer able to function in the real world. And so I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.
I knew nothing about psychiatric services
I knew absolutely nothing about psychiatry. I had never been in contact with anyone with experience of mental illness. So everything was foreign to me. I wasn’t myself and my actions were strange and ritualistic. As were those of my fellow patients in the ward where I was hospitalised, which only reinforced by belief that it was normal. That I was on the right path.
The psychiatrist had several consultations with me and prescribed some medicine, but I didn’t understand why I needed it.
Getting the right help
After being discharged, I was offered close follow-up with a psychiatrist. But I was more interested in seeking help from a psychotherapist, a priest and a clairvoyant.
The psychotherapist, priest and clairvoyant all supported me with my experiences, emotions, and needs, while the psychiatrist only saw illness and dysfunction and kept telling me to take my medication.
Life in a mental institution
During that early period, I was hospitalised several times in a secure psychiatric ward. There were locks on the doors and I would pace the same small area for weeks without being allowed outside for fresh air. All the patients were either psychotic, depressive or seriously ill in some other way. At the hospital, they called spending time in the common room with the other patients environmental therapy. The aim was to get used to being around other people.
Uplifting music
During my time in hospital, listening to music became my only source of joy for long periods. I had a portable CD player and one CD that I played over and over again. The music brought me a sense of calm and lifted my spirits, and I was able to reflect on my life – the direction I was moving and what truly mattered.
A grey mind
When I wasn’t hospitalized, I had conversational therapy with a psychotherapist. I told her that my mind felt grey, colourless. She encouraged me to paint my grey mind, and, to my surprise, the painting I created at her suggestion was filled with colours and not just shades grey. It turned out there were colours in my mind, and they just needed to be brought to light. This experience inspired me to compose a piece of music, which I named Grey.
Alfa Omega
After persistent efforts to get better, supported by medicine, psychotherapy and music, I managed to compose ten pieces, found my own jazz trio, and record and release my debut album, Alpha Omega. This marked the beginning of several years without hospitalisation and without severe psychotic symptoms.
Buttercup
Encouraged by others, I began composing music specifically aimed at supporting mental well-being. My aim was to heal myself, hopefully, to reach others going through similar experiences. My first release of healing music was a maxi-single titled Smørblomsten (Buttercup), released by my production company Medicine Melodies.
Less medicine
Then, my life was suddenly in crisis again, leading to yet another psychotic break and subsequent hospitalisation. I began to question whether the medication was actually helping me or if it was merely holding the psychotic symptoms at bay, only for them to resurface at the slightest challenge. So, I attempted to wean myself off the meds.
Initially, tapering off the medication gave me much more energy and I felt a deep, genuine happiness. But after about three months, I had yet another psychotic and had to be hospitalised. I tried five times to reduce the dosage, and each time, the same thing happened. I had become dependent on the medication.
During that period, I composed a piece that expresses this sense of powerlessness in the face of medication dependence and the dream of a life without medication. It is called Less Medicine.
Let’s meet in the middle
Now I was even more heavily medicated. This caused significant side effects, but it also gave me an extended period free from psychosis. I became more open to support from the psychiatric services. Perhaps I’d been too fixed in my anti-psychiatry stance? All I know is that by accepting I was able to cope better, and I became less afraid of taking my meds. With that said, I didn’t stop voicing my complaints about the side effects.
Medicine melodies
With this renewed energy, I focused my attention on my production company Medicine Melodies, through which I release my music and can be booked for lectures. I have since released several albums and held numerous talks, which I combine with concerts.
Psychotherapy
I embarked on another round of psychotherapy; this time with a practitioner who was also a minister. I had to pay out of pocket because the psychiatric system doesn’t have the resources for this type of treatment.
When are you recovered?
Are you recovered when you give up and accept the meds you need; or when you’ve learned to control your symptoms enough that you no longer need the meds?
You could say that as long as I carry this inner resistance to medication, I remain at risk of getting worseagain at some point. On the other hand, by relying so heavily on meds, I’m not learning to manage the symptoms effectively, and the illness will creep up on me anyway, drawing me back into psychosis.
In recent years, I’ve experienced a few psychotic episodes. They still occur, but I always manage to quickly get back on my feet.
Lectures and concerts
Today, I make my living giving lectures and playing concerts. While I’m not able to work full-time, I still feel I’m making a positive contribution to society. It’s not about being inactive; it’s about working actively with your passion. I follow my heart – that’s the most important thing.
“Finding your way” (Artwork by Mette Munch)